30 days of art and memoir inspired by living on seedy Spring Street from "Downtown LA Poet Laureate" McDowell. Intro by Pablo Capra.

Thirty Days on Spring
by Richard McDowell (2003)

 

From "On Any Given Day"

On any given day on a walk down Spring someone takes a shit, someone pees, someone's shooting heroin, while his neighbor's smoking crack. On any given day someone picks a parking meter, someone's two-man tent pops up in an empty parking lot, a cardboard box, a shopping cart, someone's digging through the trash like a smorgasbord, an all-you-can-eat buffet….

On any given day thirty felons are released into these streets, and some say Spring means "sprung" from jail. And I once heard a felon say, "I love it here, man, but if you could just buy me bus fare I'd get the fuck out of here," back to Baltimore were he's from. I could put it on my credit card, he didn't seem to care. And if I was so inclined, I suppose I could go with him to the Greyhound station. I could see him off and wish him well and turn around two days later and see him on the corner. He's in a suit and tie.

 

Rat Tales
by Baretta & James Mathers (illus.) (2005)

 

From "The Pugil Stick"

The rat saw me reaching for the giant stick and knew that he was about to meet his end. He immediately screamed and ran towards a hole in the shed, even though he was stuck to the trap. He was so powerful that he could still run with his front legs. But he couldn’t free himself, so he just stuck his face with all his might out of the hole, thinking that he would be outside and he would be able to escape the wrath of the surfer man.

I ran outside the shed and saw his head poking through the hole – which was like a guillotine for the pugil stick! But he still couldn’t pull the glue trap through. It was the most valiant effort I’d ever seen for survival, but it was too late. The pugil stick came down on his face, and he was silenced.

 

Surfers, drugdealers, and artists live together in this rowdy Lower Topanga neighborhood circa the '70s and '80s. A companion volume to Tool's Snake Pit by Tool and Rohloff's Snake Pit by Chris Rohloff.

The Snake Pit
by Baretta & Toylit (illus.) (2006)

 

From "The Snake Pit"

The Snake Pit got its name because there were always a lot of rattlesnakes down there. Every time I turned around some neighbor was having a snake fit….

But that nickname was also coupled with the fact that everyone from Charlie Manson to Johnnie-Satan to Kilroy to Big Dude to Eater to Baretta (and maybe people before us) were considered kind of like snakes because of the personalities and the stuff that went on there.

I guess you could call The Snake Pit a shanty village…. It looked like a little neighborhood out of some past in England…. Some of the houses had been improvised and just popped up out of nowhere….

There was very much a protective atmosphere of locals. Everybody knew everybody, and if they didn't know you, and you had no business down there, then you'd better get the hell out because this was their sanctuary….

 

How to Get Respect on the Beaches of Malibu
by Baretta & Toylit (illus.) (2009)

Have a cool name.

Live there a long time, even though locals hate you at first.

Be an "insta-bro" – someone who comes out of nowhere and is a heavy local instantly by trying to be friends with everyone at all times.

Be friends with a large number of lifeguards.

Have old pictures of yourself in amazing situations on front-page news stories.

Limit greetings to a nod and a fist pound so you don't give away your domination factor.

Don't show up with a quiver of boards shaped by SpongeBob.

Don't use the phrase "talk story" to impress people.

Don't talk about how you just got back from Indo. No one likes to hear a rich boy brag.

Don't talk to Snowman (or anyone sitting in front of a surf shop in Santa Monica Canyon).

Say you're friends with Shaka.

Throw the locals' henchman on the rocks at low tide.

Surf year-round without a wetsuit.

Surf at least two sessions a day, or two to four hours at a time.

If you find yourself at the World Surfing Championships in 1966, don't forget to shake Duke Kahanamoku's hand, because you'll never get another opportunity.

Don't smoke. No one respects a slave to addiction.

Don't rely on being a drug lord, even though you try it. Drug lords don't live long or prosper.

Pick up trash, even if no one's watching.

Write some chapbooks (that are good, not BS!)

Make sure all of your clothing isn't sponsored bitchin' wear. Have a few accessories from the 99 Cent Store.

 

Posthumous selection of Campbell's "Real Fantasy" stories, ranging in genres from sci-fi to psychological.

Jeremy Black
by Robert Campbell & Pablo Capra (ed.) (2005)

From "Time Stands Still"

"All right," he adds apologetically, "so I'm a magician."...

"Ooh, I've always believed in magic! Come on, Derrick. Tell! Teach me!"

"Wait a minute, sweetheart. Pull the reins," he says, laughing. "Are you sure you wanna know? There's more to it than meets the eye. It could mean years of hard work, and even then.…" His voice trails off into a dry hiss, and he slumps back into his lying posture....

"Oh," she says reflectively. And then, "Well, why do you seem to know so much? You couldn't be anymore than 25 years old."

"Let's just say that I'm the sole heir to the family business," he replies, reaching for another cigarette. He pops his finger and the flame leaps from his thumb in the same manner as before. "Grandma's," he adds, puffing on the smoke.

 

Campbell's unfinished, "Real Fantasy," sci-fi novella.

Audesheer and Deja
by Robert Campbell & Pablo Capra (ed.) (2006)

"Excerpt"

Outside, Audesheer tosses the last piece of luggage onto the hovercraft. A utility droid relates a message left by Joe and Maria....

"Marge and I packed those documentary tapes you like so well. You know, the ones Grandpa keeps harping about," Maria says.

"Oh great! Deja, wait till you hear this stuff," he says as he turns the controls to automatic pilot. "You'll flip."...

The intercom signals time for takeoff and the door whizzes shut. For a moment, everyone is silenced by an enraptured sense of adventure. Deja nudges in close to Audesheer as the feeling winds its spell. He embraces her and they gaze through the shuttle's glass porthole.

Airborne, the crew let their hair down. Audesheer turns on some rock and roll and they all lose themselves in the music, dancing.

Break on through to the other side!
Break on through to the other side!
Break on through, break on through…

The music plays as Audesheer and Deja fall onto the sofa, laughing.

"Where'd you get that stuff?" smiles Deja, surprised....

"It's great, eh?" Audesheer says. "I picked it up at the University Bookstore in the Archives of American Lit."

 

Funny, creative, random, emo, insightful, amazed, grateful, pointless, confused, nostalgic, trolling, perverted, political, disrespectful, outraged, racist, psychotic, obsessive, adoring, spam, trendy, life-affirming comments from the users of YouTube.

FIRST!
A Book of YouTube Comments
Edited by Pablo Capra (2009)

 

 

Lynch's absurd stories feature characters like a shark who loves omelets.

Omelet Shark
& Other Stories
by Michael Lynch (2005)

From "Laser Tommy"

My cousin Tommy can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. It's true. At a party two summers ago we got into a fight cause I stole some money from his loser hippie friends. He was acting real high and mighty about it, saying how they were his friends and I stole their money and it was bullshit. Thing was, those assholes flopped at our house last summer and totally stiffed us on rent. As far as I saw it, the money I stole was money they owed us. Tommy was just being a real jerkoff about it cause one of them was cute and he wanted to get in her pants. Tommy's a total pussy when it comes to chicks.

So after listening to his whiny shit all night, I got fed up. I found him outside by the fire pit and bashed him upside the head with a blue metal folding chair – right in front of his deadbeat fucking hippie friends. It was great. I knocked that bastard right off the log he was sitting on and into the dirt. He bled like a stuck pig. Took about sixteen stitches to lash Tommy's head up, but ever since then he's been able to shoot laser beams out of his eyes whenever he wants.

 

Helicopter Show
& Other Stories
by Michael Lynch (2009)

From "Helicopter Show"

The weather was nice, so the three of them went into the backyard to smoke cigarettes, drink coffee, and eat lemon biscotti. They talked about ducks and how interesting it would be to float around on a lake all day.

"Plus it would be pretty cool to quack all the time," said the zebra.

The bumblebee and the rocket ship agreed.

Eventually all the coffee and biscotti were devoured. The bumblebee was gonna split but the zebra was like, "You should stay and have a couple of drinks."

But the bumblebee was like, "Oh, I don't want to intrude; I'm sure you guys have stuff to do."

But the rocket ship was like, "No, it's cool. We're actually pretty boring and rarely do much of anything. I usually go for a run in the evening, and the zebra sits in the backyard and plays his harmonica. We'd be happy to have an excuse to do something different."...

The zebra, meanwhile, busted out his harmonica and played a sick rendition of "Walk Don't Run" by The Ventures.

 

Surfers, drugdealers, and artists live together in this rowdy Lower Topanga neighborhood circa the '70s and '80s. A companion volume to The Snake Pit by Baretta and Tool's Snake Pit by Tool.

Rohloff's Snake Pit
by Chris Rohloff (as told to Pablo Capra) & Toylit (illus.) (2009)

 

From "The Snake Pit"

The Snake Pit... was basically the armpit of Malibu. If Malibu had a hood, Topanga and The Snake Pit would be it.

As kids, we were proud to call our neighborhood The Snake Pit because we were all dirt-rat, creeker degenerates. So it was pretty cool!

The Snake Pit was a place that the surrounding community didn't want to have too much contact with. Even to the police, it said, "Keep out!" Police and firemen tried to avoid going there as much as possible because there was weird stuff that happened down there back in the '60s and '70s. Everybody knew about Charles Manson's connection to The Snake Pit, and that they shouldn't deal with those people. The Manson Family lived across the street from us. I was three or four years old, and I'd be on the dirt road playing with their kids.

Tool's Snake Pit
by Tool & Toylit (illus.) (2007)

 

From "The Snake Pit"

And when I first went over to… The Snake Pit, everybody was painting and cleaning, and I thought, "All right! This is pretty good."

But that was it. They never did another damn thing the rest of the time that they lived there. They didn't even buy toilet paper. Honest to God! And they'd do this trick (that was kind of a neighborhood thing) where they'd say, "Hey, we're going to the George's Market. You wanna chip in some money?" And you'd give them like $10, and they'd come back with exactly $10 worth of stuff they wanted, and that's it. And not toilet paper!

I already had a bad opinion of brain-dead surf guys anyway, but I never met scum until I moved to the Snake Pit. I'd never seen thieving bums like I did there. Especially ones that would steal from each other and then be friends the next day because those were the only friends they had. So they'd all forgive each other and go, "It's okay because I robbed you last week" – which was even more frightening!

 

Astral Dick
A Play in Three Acts
by Toylit (2009)

 

From "Act 2, Scene 6"

Leo – So what's all this about an "operation"? Just the facts please.

Bunny – Well, it all began when Marlo hit puberty. Honey, show the man your tits.

Marlo reveals that one of her breasts is definitely larger than the other one. Leo doesn't even look.

Leo – Yeah, yeah. One of her boobs is visibly larger than the other. I looked down her shirt as I was astrally projecting.

Marlo – He knows EVERYTHING!

Leo – I'm a dick. It's my job to know stuff.

Bunny – So about a month ago, she went to the doctor to get her knockers adjusted. And before she went into surgery, I told her… what did I tell her?

Marlo – "The problem is all in your HEAD! If somebody loves you, they are going to love you, lopsided titties and all."

Bunny – So off she goes to get a boob job, and what does she come home with? A LOBOTOMY!

Marlo – ACTUALLY, I just had ONE lobe done to see if I liked it. So it's only HALF a lobotomy.

Leo – I see. And how has it affected her performance?

Bunny – Well, her motor skills are okay, but it seems to have affected her "initiative."

Leo – Meaning?

Bunny – She makes a passable waitress, but sometimes she gets stuck.

Marlo – Sorry! Sometimes I get stuck!

Bunny – Except for her poetry. That's gotten UNSTUCK. It just flows and flows. All this bizarre amazing imagery just pours out of this hole where her brain used to be.

Marlo – Poetry is my LIFE!